Nobody Said Parenting Was Glamorous

Photos thanks to

Hands up if your child ever:

  • Painted their cot in poo.

Both my girls were experts at poo painting, although no one appreciated their creativity.

  • Hit their teacher (make that two teachers on the same day) while quoting Jiminy Cricket from Pinocchio, “I’ll knock your block off.”

My youngest child did this in her first week of school. My mother predicted she’d be expelled before the term was up. Luckily she was wrong.

  • Sat around a pile of dog poo with their sibling giggling as they dipped their fingers into it.

Perhaps it’s just my children who are fascinated with poo.

  • Climbed out of bed, stripped naked, plugged the bathroom sink with toilet paper and turned on the hot water, then hopped into the bath to play.

This happened during a sleepover and I found three naked, giggling girls in the bathroom.

  • Got into your bathroom cupboard, put craters in your eyeshadow, snapped your eyeliner in two like a twig, painted the tiles with nailpolish, and nibbled on lipstick.

My makeup has never looked the same.

  • Drank out of the dog’s water bowl on all fours, mimicking their furry friend.

I still feel sick imagining the amount of dog saliva that was swallowed.

  • Picked a fight in the playground with older children.

I don’t think my three-year-old realised that the boys she was bullying were twice her age and her size. Or maybe she did.

  • Painted the bathroom mirror in toothpaste or splashed paint on the rug.

Perhaps I have a junior Pro Hart in the making.


Of course, there are all the usual things kids get up to – drawing on walls, trailing rolls of toilet paper through the house, sneaking into the pantry and emptying containers, pouring dog water bowls over each other, swearing, scratching, biting, kicking, hitting, throwing hard objects at their sibling ….. Please tell me it’s not just my children. Share your stories so I know I’m not alone.

Miraculously my daughters have never seriously harmed themselves. Even more surprising is that my youngest daughter has still not been expelled from school. There’s always time.